


Convincing Shepard

by ArcticGarou



Series: Back Where We Belong [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, F/M, Interspecies Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 07:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8154766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticGarou/pseuds/ArcticGarou
Summary: This second piece is like the opposite partner to the first, or the 'other Shepard' she switched places with.
 
Original prompt for those starting here:
Shepard is transported from identical universes, except for one important fact; one is a place where she was and stayed with Kaidan, the other she’d moved on with Garrus after the events at Horizon. In each universe she came from, she’d picked one over the other and caused serious damage to the other friendship, putting their current position on thin ice. When she comes in to the other universe, the one she remembered the relationship with is very obviously mad at her, not on speaking terms or not even on the Normandy (an option for Kaidan). Can she prove how she feels, or will she have to come to terms with this new reality, and the feelings she had doubted before.
WARNING: This is a Shepard/Garrus story with mentions of previous Shepard/Kaidan, but this is NOT a fic for Kaidan fans (sorry, but I have my preferences).





	1. Chapter 1

My brow furrowed and I started to pull myself from sleep.  There was something wrong about the feeling, though it wasn’t from the usual nightmares.  No, something else was different about it.  The sleep felt far too heavy, like I had been knocked out with a sedative, and as I shifted slightly I felt a distinct lack of presence behind me.  It wasn’t uncommon for my nightmares to wake Kaidan, only recently getting used to sleeping in the same bed semi-regularly, but I couldn’t even hear his movements in the cabin.

Without opening my eyes yet, I rolled and reached out for his side of the bed and found it cold.  Now allowing myself to wake up fully, I pushed myself upright and turned to the holo clock.  It was still too early for him to start his shift, but my gaze shifted along the nightstand before I could contemplate any further.  There was something sitting there that… I didn’t remember being there before.  It didn’t look like anything Kaidan would have brought in.  A strange feeling started a slow creep up my spine and I pulled the sheets up around my body, as if to shield myself from it, before sliding to the edge of the bed.

I let my hands drag slightly across the fabric, catching the light off of the almost metallic look of it, and found a pattering inlaid into the material.  The recognition was sudden, remembering the insignias we’d recovered on the SR-1, but why was there something of Turian design on my nightstand?

A hand still touching it, I looked around for some kind of explanation, and was even more surprised to find a few more scattered, definitely Turian, items around the room.  My brow creased further as I tried to remember where they would have come from, let alone why they would have been put in my room.  There was only one person that was likely to know… I only hoped he was willing to speak to me.

Half way to opening a comm channel, I looked down and found myself still clad in a just my top sheet, wrapped securely around my chest.  That would definitely not be the best way to start the conversation.  Closing my Omni Tool again, I discarded the sheet back on the bed and crossed to my closet, donning a uniform for the day.  Only when it was in place, my hair was pulled back in my loose bun, and I took a final, calming breath did I open the channel.

“Garrus.  I’m sorry to bother you, but could you come up to my cabin please?”

The answer was almost instant and not at all what I’d expected.  “ _Of course, Shepard.  I’ll be right there._ ”  Did he sound… concerned?  And did he just call me _Shepard_!

My weight shifted in my surprise and I dropped back down to the edge of the bed.  What had changed?  Just yesterday I could barely get the reports from the Primarch without a hostile snap in his tone.  Not that I could really blame him, even after all this time.  I could have handled things better after Horizon, but I was… not fully myself at the time.  Either way, it was no excuse, and I felt myself getting excited about the chance to reestablish our friendship.

But the nervousness kept creeping its way back in, taking hold even in just the few minutes I had to wait.  Again my surprise brought me to my feet when the door open, allowing his large, armored covered frame to pass through unhindered.  My door was always locked, at least to appease EDI and her concern for security.  But this might explain the new decorations… I just didn’t understand _why_.

“What’s wrong?  You sounded so tense on the comms.”  He crossed straight towards me and my spine went ridged as he moved easily into my personal space.  His eyes shot down, immediately catching the movement, and grew even more concerned as they shifted back up to mine.  “Shepard?”  An armored hands moved towards me, looking like it might touch my arm, but he hesitated as my eyes watched it closely.

His hesitation to withdraw told me _exactly_ what had happened and I felt myself crumble slightly.  _When?  How had it happened?  We’d barely been speaking and now we’ve_ slept _together?  And why can’t I remember it!?_   I heard a sound, a middle ranged trilling, and as my gaze came back up I knew it was coming from him.  His eyes were wide and I could have sworn he looked afraid, but I couldn’t fathom why.  I was the one who’d cheated here… _shit!_   Where was Kaidan?  There was no way, especially with all this _stuff_ in my room, that he wouldn’t know what had happened.

Taking a steadying breath, I prepared myself for the hostile response I fully expected.  “I’m sorry, Garrus.  I don’t know what I must have done to mislead you, but this isn’t possible.  Do you know where Kaidan is, I need to try and explain… whatever _this_ is to him.”

The trill came to a hard and sudden stop, his eyes shifted back and forth between mine, but from what I could tell there was no anger or even hostility in his expression.  Not from what I remembered in our previous… arguments.  I was growing more and more uncomfortable under his scrutiny, until finally he spoke.

“Shepard… Kaidan went to work on the Crucible.”

I felt like I’d been struck by a Krogan’s charge.  “What?  How?  _When_?  He didn’t even wait to talk to me!?”

The trill returned, lower in tone, and Garrus took a step out of my personal space.  “I don’t understand.  You had an argument after the Cerberus coup on the Citadel and you both agreed it was best if he didn’t come back to the Normandy.  Everything that happened with Horizon, the Councilor, him pointing a _gun_ at you…  Don’t you remember?”

I did remember, but we hadn’t argued.  I’d been so happy that he actually stood down and let me take out Udina, and then he’d used the word love.  He told me he’d never doubt me again and I couldn’t help pulling him into my relieved arms.  And then our date on the Citadel; we’d talked about Garrus and how we’d gotten closer when we were going after the Collectors, but nothing had ever happened.  I’d been uncertain of our differences, based mostly on our species, and I was still hopeful that Kaidan would come around eventually.  Garrus hadn’t taken it well and I’d been at fault, but Kaidan and I had continued our relationship when he’d come back on board.

Movement pulled my attention back to my current situation and I instinctually flinched away from the armored, tri-fingered hand that reached towards me.  Only when I followed it up to his face did I realize it had been the wrong move.  As little practice as I had reading Turian facial plates, the pain and sudden sadness were as easy to understand as his seething anger.  I felt the sudden urge to try and comfort him, as he had comforted me after Horizon, but I didn’t, watching him as he took yet another step away from me.  It almost hurt, the fact that I felt more comfortable with more distance; I had never wanted that between us, but I’d known what I said hurt him.  It was stupid to think I felt better for his sake, and I wouldn’t be upset if I was paying some kind of price for it now.

It was startling when he spoke again, his voice sounding so flat that it took me a moment to realize one of his tones had dropped below registry.  “I’ll… give you some time, if that’s what you want.”  My thoughts stuttered, but before I could even think of a response, or what his deeper meaning might be, he was turning back to the door.  I could tell that his posture was diminished, head hung down as he passed through the opening and turned towards the elevator before leaving my field of view.  It was obvious that he was emotionally invested in… whatever happened between us.  If he’d thought the fight happened with Kaidan, not with him…  But it didn’t happen, I didn’t remember it that way, so why would _he_?  There had to be _proof_ somewhere.

_The messages!_   My eyes snapped up to my main terminal in the office area, and I was immediately crossing to it.  But before I could even open the holo screen and keyboard, the empty desk on the far wall caught my eyes.  Why was it empty?  I’d never moved the picture of Kaidan that the Illusive Man had left there.  Moving over, I let my hand brush against the empty surface, only to stop at the grooved texture.  Bending closer, I found the metal desk marred by shallow, jagged grooves, as if something had been dragged against it at great force, though the edges were smoothed over now, from time, cleaning and wear.  But what would have caused it to begin with?  The only thing I’d kept there, the only possible explanation, was the glass from the missing picture frame.

Shaking my head in confusion, I turned back to my terminal and sat down, skimming through the multitude of messages I’d received.  It was some time back, but I was sure I’d saved it, even among the mass of requests I’d received to help face-less people and missing loved ones in the war.  My heart tightened on reflex, wishing I was able to help them all, but it pounded solidly again when I found the one I was looking for.  What surprised me was the how recent it was in my history and the overall size of the chained messages.  I’d read it enough times before, as we’d disappeared through the Omega 4 Relay, to have those little details memorized… no matter how pathetic it sounded in my head.

Pushing the thoughts aside, I clicked on it and was ever more surprised by the sheer multitude of back-and-forth it contained.  When had all of these been sent?  Scrolling all the way down to the beginning, I found the original message he’d sent me after Horizon.  The series of responses back and forth started immediately after, but that made no sense.  I remembered holding off until I knew that I’d be coming back before giving him any kind of answer.  The ones on the screen now ranged in length from long-winded to short and clipped, only a line or two, so I scrolled back down to the start again.  I reread the original, even if I already knew what it said, before moving on to the next.  _You never should have walked away… doing what’s right… doubt, trust…_   No… this wasn’t right.  Yes, I’d thought those things at first, but I’d never sent him a response.  I’d kept it to myself, maybe shared my concerns with Garrus at first, but I had left his somewhat apology hanging in space as we’d made the Relay jump that could have killed us all.

I could feel the anger, fear and confusion in my own words, and they were definitely mine, almost as potently as I’d felt whenever I must have written it.  It hadn’t been many days later so I’d still been emotional.  Eagerly I moved on to his response, wondering what he would have said to my thoughts back then.  An even angrier response following, still filled with suspicious and laying blame all on my shoulders.  He’d also made it very clear that he didn’t believe I’d actually been ‘dead’ dead.  The same anger flared back up again, stronger than it had been when I’d kept my thoughts to myself, and when I moved on to the next message, I found myself agreeing with my rebuttal as I read it.  There was another infuriating response that lead to more back-and-forth, eventually devolving into an open wound of pain and anger.  And then it just stopped, the date marked right before we went through the Relay.

The next message was gaining on a year later, very short and clipped, less than four sentences.  It had been after the Reapers had attacked and he’d been hurt on Mars.  He was awake and in the hospital, asking for my advice about Udina’s offer to join the Spectres.  It was professional and strictly business, and I hadn’t even sent a replay at the time.  He’d taken the position, with or without my input, but the conversation didn’t end there.  At later dates, bringing it towards my more recent messages, there was a further exchange.  To my dismay and surprised, they were filled with even more anger and blame.  They were after whatever argument Garrus had mention, calling back to it and him regularly.  After that, they grew more and more minimal until it was only simple and formal progress reports from the Crucible; nothing personal or meaningful at all.

My mind was swimming with different feelings, seeing my thoughts laid out and how he’d responded to them.  It was obvious to me that this was still the same Kaidan I remembered, everything sounding like something he very well could have said if we’d fought.  We’d just worked it out differently because _I_ hadn’t spoken up when I’d felt hurt.  Seeing now what he would have said… it was almost like a new betrayal all over again.

But that wasn’t the finer point here.  However this was possible, why ever I was remembering something completely different, it had actually happened… just like Garrus had said.  From subtle remarks and barely hidden jabs, especially in the more recent messages, it was clear that whatever Garrus and I supposedly had _wasn’t_ recent.  It had been going on since before the Omega 4, and might actually be more serious than I’d thought from just his reactions.  Here was the proof I’d wanted, staring me right in the face from the holo screen, but it was still so much to just believe.

One thing was obvious; from both our tones and the outright attacks in our correspondence, it was highly unlikely that he would come running back to the Normandy if I tried to tell him the truth… or even _wanted_ to.  He would probably think I was as insane as I currently felt anyway, and that would be no incentive to leave his post at the Crucible.  Besides, the war was far more important than whatever mixed emotions were vying for dominance in my mind.  It would only serve as a distraction from the more important work, just to try and figure out what had happened and where these other memories had come from.

No, it was better for him and everyone if I let it go and turned my focus fully to the war efforts as well.  Maybe it was the potent emotions that the letters had resurfaced, but the thought was… strangely calming.  It was almost natural to think of him _not_ being here, just like during our preparations and mission through the Omega 4 Relay.  Part of me felt shallow and petty for it, like that meant I was giving up too easily on someone I supposedly loved.  I’d never said it, even if he all but had on several occasions, and we were very different people.  He wanted me to… open up, like he had about Rana, and _talk_ about Mindoir, be _comfortable_ with my scars, and try to help me _heal_ from my past.

I’d healed a long time ago, I just didn’t handle things the way he did.  I didn’t want to flash my scars around where everyone could seem them, let them ask questions and have to share my story of almost being abducted by Batarians.  It was a mood killer, and back in basic it easily lowered people’s opinions of me and what I was capable of.  Especially in the middle of a war for the entire galaxy, that was not the wisest course of action.

But there was more to it than just that.  Kaidan had wanted something.  Something I wasn’t sure I was, or would ever be ready for.  There were times where I felt like it would hurt him less to just end it, but I had no idea how… especially since he had been my reason for turning down Garrus.

_He_ had understood things on a much different level, even back on the SR-1.  We’d been closer than regulations would mandate, but nothing more than friendship.  Until after Cerberus brought me back; he never once doubted that I was really me and that I was still trying to do the right thing.  After what Kaidan had said on Horizon, we’d talked even more and grown closer, maybe even bordering on romantic interest, but it had been… too complicated.  In all honesty, when it came down to decision time I’d gotten too nervous and pushed him away.

I knew it hurt him, how could it not.  He’d swallowed it bravely, but even if I couldn’t read his plates very well, I knew I had cut deeply.  I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I hadn’t lied when I said that, but he’d grown angry when I fell back to waiting on Kaidan.  It hadn’t been a complete lie, I was hurt by what he’d said and had some hope that he would change his mind.  When Garrus lashed out I stupidly retaliated, but I’d been scared of the awkwardness that it could cause, as well as how it would even work physically.  Because I’d tried to take the easy way out, I ruined any chances of something more with him, as well as our friendship.

There was no chance to even try fixing it before the Relay, or after.  Taking on a stupid solo mission for Hackett, maybe even hoping it would make him worry enough to forgive me, I became responsible for the destruction of an entire Batarian system.  Besides another thing to feel guilty about, it didn’t leave much time for us to talk before the Alliance was dragging me back to Earth in chains.  I’d deserved no less for what I done to any of them and was allowed no outside contact of any kind for a whole six months, leaving things to fester without any explanation.

Then the Reapers attacked and I was thrown back with Kaidan, almost like the galaxy was taunting me for my words.  And worse, he got hurt badly on my watch, making me feel scared, confused, and very responsible.  But before I couldn’t deal with any of it, I was sent off to Mena to find the Turian’s Primarch, finding a war-hardened Garrus along the way.  While I could tell he was glad I’d made it off Earth, I didn’t know if he really wanted to come back to the Normandy, or if he was just doing what was right for the war effort.  Kaidan’s suspicion during the coup and then returning to the Normandy hadn’t sat well with him either, pushing us into the same kind of clipped tones I’d found in the messages on my terminal now.

Apparently here I hadn’t said any of those scared, hurtful things to him, I’d confronted Kaidan instead, which gave me no other excuse to hide from Garrus.  Here I’d taken the chance and gone for it, and he seemed really happy before I screwed it up yet again.  Hell, he was obviously staying at least part time in my cabin, things must have worked out physically, at least better than I’d feared.  But even presented with that fact, I couldn’t wrap my head around it.  Maybe, if we tried… an unbidden chill ran up my spine as reminders about ingestion rang in my head, as well as angry red chaffing and punctures wounds.  The fear was still in _my_ head, despite whatever we’d apparently done, and I couldn’t contain the frustrated sigh as my shoulders slumped in defeat.  Whatever I’d… _we’d_ done, however I’d gotten over my fears, no matter how irrational they seemed to be, I still felt them now with all of my different memories.

No, especially after the look on his face when he left, I knew now wasn’t the time for it.  Hadn’t I just decided to focus more on the war than on my personal life?  From the messages I’d received and gone through, there was nothing else about the war effort that was different than I remembered, though sadly we’d still lost a few of our own.  Mordin had been hard, though admittedly Kaidan hadn’t known how to help me, not being here when we’d grown so close.  But Tali had just arrived with the other Quarian Admirals and we were about as far along with them as could be expected.

Yet it was already approaching the start of the day shift and I still hadn’t even left my cabin yet.  I needed to stop wasting my time on my somehow still chaotic personal life and get to work.  But as I closed my terminal and moved towards my door, one positive thought stuck solid in the back of my mind, no matter how much I had regained focus on the war.  Maybe, without the anger that had been hanging between us, we would be able to get our friendship back where it had been.


	2. Chapter 2

That had been my hope, but I should have known better.  As it turned out, we were back to calibrations and now communications with the Primark about the war to put distance between us.  He had said he’d give me space, and he was certainly true to his word, but his almost sad posture was even harder to be ignored by than his anger.  There were times I’d feel his stare on my back or over my shoulder, but when I turned around he wasn’t looking at me or sometimes wasn’t even there.  Not wanting to re-inspire his anger, I didn’t push him, though that almost seems to make him more dejected.

I couldn’t seem to win, so I poured myself into war information and constant communications with the Quarians, trying to come up with some point of interest in their own ill-timed war with the Geth.  Long hours were spent over the galaxy maps, where they were reluctant to give out any of their fleet locations, or other pertinent information.  Impatience grew higher quickly, but Tali’s presence was a calming mediator, better communicating the fears and concerns of both sides.

After the end of a long day, and a more fond parting between the two of us than I was used to, it gave me hope for another friendship that had suffered.  She had been disappointed with my handling of Garrus and Kaidan, though I had tried to convince myself it was an opportunity for them to get together.  I’d seen the way she was around him and it was clear there was some attraction, but even after we’d fought nothing had happened.  He was too wrapped up in his anger at me, then his responsibilities in the war, and I knew that was my fault too.

But here she seemed like she’d been so happy for us, not at all bothered by missing her own chance at him, and concerned for our current situation.  Several subtle questions slipped in to our discussions told me she didn’t have the specifics of what happened, but was worried about the mood Garrus was in.  I’d avoided what I could, vying to keep everyone’s focus on strategy and planning, trying not to think about it myself.  That was, until I was heading up to my cabin in the very late hours for a little bit of rest.

Something felt off again when the doors closed tight behind me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Only when I reached the large, empty bed did the thought occur to me; _where was Garrus sleeping tonight_?  And I instantly felt like an ass again, only compounding further when I glanced at the nightstand and found what was missing.  The insignia was gone and a fast scan of the room showed that all other traces of a Turian staying there had been removed as well, leaving it as stark feeling as Cerberus had intended.  It had been a long day, and I’d spent most of it locked away in the war room; he must have come in and taken his things.  While the thought of sharing a bed with him made my stomach tie in nervous knots, I found it still in a similar place now that he’d officially kicked himself out.  I resolved to try and do better tomorrow, not letting him pull away so completely.

A perfect chance presented itself when a mission came up for the Alliance.  The Quarians weren’t moving yet, so I jumped on it, and made sure he was in the rotation for the ground team.  He seemed surprised when he was called up, even as he arrived in the cargo bay and readied his rifle he cast confused glances in my direction.  James was waiting by the Kodiak, my Alliance choice for the drop, and Cortez was ready to fly us in.  They were including him in their banter, and he seemed to be returning it just as fondly, their easy acceptance telling me it was normal between them.  It brought a smile to my face to think he was getting along so well here, too secluded when he’d been avoiding me to make any close friends with the Human crew.  I made a point of keeping the pleased expression as I passed him, catching a small waver of his mandibles in return before he clamped it back under control.  Turning away from me, he quickly finishing prepping his gear before joining the rest of the team.

While I hadn’t been wrong, knowing the fun banter on the field would ease tensions, none of my own banter was being fully acknowledged, or any of his directed at me.  But it was hard not to feel excited as shot after shot struck his targets without a miss, clearing my path with ease.  It reminded me why I’d always brought him with me on missions, ever since the beginning.  His style and strategy so often reflected or complimented my own, and I found even now that we were in sync.  As another soldier trained with a sniper rifle, I could predict what he was going to do with almost complete accuracy, and it made James stumble to catch up at times.

“How do you two _do_ that?”  I felt a much more mischievous grin sliding across my face again, and turned my other side to see if he still felt the same.  It was subdued slightly, but I knew it was still there and I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm.  Leaning over slightly I tapped his arm with my elbow, meeting his eyes with some hope.  It seemed to flare a response in his own and his mandibles fluttered for a brief moment.  Well, it was a start.

And that start seemed to spread when I finally got a location from the Quarians.  Invading a Dreadnought, with Tali coming along, it had never even occurred to me to leave Garrus behind.  His voice even wavered slightly when I had to cross the broken docking tube on foot, alone.  It could have been concern for his Commander, a friend, or whatever else he wanted from me, but I couldn’t deny the warmth it brought to my insides.  Kaidan had never handled that part well, wanting to protect or shield me from the dangers.  Garrus had always understood that the danger was part of my job, and there was nothing I could do to stay away from it.  But the subtle worrying and quiet acceptance meant more to me than I would have thought.

When I reached the other side, just as the tunnel broke, I had to find another to unlock before they could cross and join me.  To my utter and unreasonable joy, he quipped at me when the doors opened.  I was smiling like an idiot, but I didn’t care, pushing on through the seemingly deserted ship.  But soon enough we had Geth flooding to our position, and just like old times the three of us danced around them.  Even moving down a narrow gangway, with minimal shielding, under fire and dodging EMP bursts that would kill our shields instantly, it still felt like choreography.  Deactivating it and trying to get past the generator was a little harder, urging them past me and diving into a tuck-and-roll to clear it as it suddenly charged back to life.  But still it reminded me of fighting through Geth when we chased down Saren, a short and slightly hysterical laughter coming with it.  But the sound cut to an even more abrupt halt when I started to rise and found a heavy-armored tri-fingered hand reaching down to help me up.

Glancing up at him, his eyes seemed to shine a little with the same mirth, and I allowed myself to smirk again as I took hold and helped haul myself to my feet.  I was even more thrilled when his banter started to include me again as we closed in on our targeted signal, where the Geth were receiving their Reaper download from.  Finding Legion at the heart of the mess was only a little surprising, and we were all just as upset when the Admirals took advantage of the Geth’s silence and opened fire, with us still on board.  Legion saved all our necks, finding and piloting a ride out in one of their fighters, only to face attempted dissection when we arrived back on the Normandy.

While I understood where the Admirals were coming from with their pressed attack, though I hardly approved them risking our lives.  And I outright refused their desire to take apart what I saw as a valuable member of my crew.  It brought discussions to a stand-still and in their leaving I was practically dismissed from my own war room.  It took military discipline to not roll my eyes at them, feeling like they were being childish.  But that only caused me to admonish _myself_ , summing up my courage and heading for the main battery.

As I expected, he was standing at his station in freshly cleaned armor, checking and rechecking his extensive calibrations.  But this time, when I attempted to interrupt, he didn’t close me out.

“What can I do for you, Shepard?”

I took a fraction of a moment to enjoy the sound of my name from his dual tones again, before tapping into that reserve of resolution.  “I was hoping we could talk… about the other day in my cabin.”

His hands froze on the controls and for a moment I feared he would lock back down.  Until he turned towards me and I plainly saw the hope on his face, feeling a whole different kind of fear.  “If you’re ready, Shepard.”

I bit back the whimper that wanted so badly to escape and did my best to explain.  He’d always been so easy to talk to, and soon I found myself spilling almost everything that I remembered; our original intentions, our argument and what’d I’d told him while still omitting the bulk of my fears, and what had happened when Kaidan came back on board.  Then I laid out the strangest part; waking up with everything different around me, the messages I’d never sent and how things had changed so drastically with that one act I didn’t have any memory of doing.  The further I got without interruption the more my own hope grew, until I finally finished and looked him straight in the eye again.  Where the hope had been now looked flat and dull, mandible seeming uncomfortably tight to his face.  The silence dragged on for a few minutes as he turned away, looking like he was thinking over my words.  Only when I couldn’t take the silence any more did I speak again.

“Garrus?”

Suddenly he shook his head, in what looked like a very Human way, pacing away from me towards the door.  The sudden laugh that broke his own silence was far from cheerful, sounding as lifeless as his expression had looked.  “I never really thought you could be interested in me.”  My gut slammed down into place, instantly spinning back into the knots it had formed when I’d first woken up.  “You don’t have to make up stories, Shepard.  If you want to break it off we can.”

No… that wasn’t what I’d wanted him to think.  We’d just been heading in the _right_ direction, I didn’t want to take us crashing back down again.  “I’m not making it up… I hated the fact that we weren’t friends anymore.”  I hoped he could hear my sincerity, thankful when he turned back towards me and I could see a small spark of it in his own eyes.  But it was still doubtful, and the lingering gaze brought my own fears right back under the surface, and I fought down the tremor as I tried to find some kind of boundary between us.  “I don’t know if I can be what you want me to, but we could start with friends again and see what happens?”

He visually slumped again and that hope all but diminished, but didn’t disappear entirely.  We were back to a good start again and I could push my own fears back down for the moment.  I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to get over them… ever, but for now we were both needed _on the front_.  And a galaxy-wide war was one hell of a distraction for your own personal life and frustrations.  It seemed to be the same for him, always available for input or just to lend an ear, while still keeping himself an arms-length away.  His battle strategy had developed even more since getting his own Task Force, and I easily found him as indispensable as before.

With me on every drop, covering my six and helping me win both of these wars one mission at a time, I was starting to remember more clearly all the feelings that had gotten me into trouble in the first place.  The more time I had to think about them, the more effort it took to suppress them, like when we made it down to the surface of Rannoch.  Several of the Quarian ships had come in too close and crashed landed on the surface.  After disabling a Geth hub and killing their comm interference, I found myself seeking out his support as I pushed a stranded Admiral into give me his coordinates instead of his men’s.  As much as I wanted to help the civilian unit, he was the one person who could keep the Quarian Fleet balanced.

His eyes gave me what I needed to insist one last time and we finally had his coordinates.  Instantly back in the air, I felt that comforting hand squeeze my shoulder and my racing thoughts calmed again.  It surprised me how at-home I felt with the new contact, even through both our armors, but not as much as the loss of it shocked me when we had to take our position.  The Geth were persistent, but no match for our mounted, Gatling style gun that cleared a path from its mount just outside the door of the Kodiak.  Coming down to hover by the cliff-side, we were able to bring the Admiral on board successfully, a final missile streaking through the shuttle and out of open hatch on the opposite side.  But before the gun was even stored and the door closed, he was crossing the space to the comms, trying to reach his team.  He’d hoped there was still time to save them, but the sounds of the Geth that responded proved they had already been overrun.

“I pray they found comfort in the Homeworld’s skies.”

He sat, rigid but clearly defeated and I remembered each of my own losses in painful detail.  After every one I’d sat in that same place on the shuttle and returned to the Normandy, intent on continuing my mission just as we were both doing now.  But I had never felt the need for anyone’s touch or comfort before, Kaidan’s or otherwise.  I would handle my grief in my own way, as I always had, alone in my quarters were no one could see my weakness… no one would know I was falling apart.  Then, after I had regained my composure, I would reemerge with the strength and confidence they needed me to have so I could complete the mission.  Never had I felt like I was lacking something, like I did when we docked and had to walk with the Admiral past the station where Garrus was starting to strip and clean his armor.

The thought plagued me from the back of my mind; no matter what the Admirals said I couldn’t seem to concentrate.  That was, until I spoke with Legion.  He asked me to willing join with the Geth consensus, and something like that really brings your focus back to center.  Same as when that same Geth free-falls out the side of the shuttle as it flies over the rocky surface of Rannoch.  Garrus’ calming voice was behind me, reassuring and joking at the same time, and for just an instant I wished I could have left him back on the Normandy.  It was impossible, with Tali there and being on her Homeworld I knew she would want him with us, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was becoming too dependent on him.  If I was being honest, I had done the same thing while tracking down the Collectors and through the Omega 4 Relay, and it had caused us both more pain when I copped out.  I didn’t want to risk our friendship again, but old habits were dying very hard.

Our landing didn’t serve as much of a distraction either, all the hostile Geth already deactivated as we made our way into the facility.  Garrus’ slight sound of concern when Legion announced I would be connecting to the consensus alone… it was like he was _trying_ to make it hard keep my emotional distance.  Even inside the virtual interface, with only Legion’s group of programs to guide me, it still felt like he was somehow watching my six.  Knowing that it was just my subconscious playing tricks with my mind didn’t make it any better, but at least freeing the Geth from the controlling Reaper code was easier than I’d originally thought.

It was stepping out and seeing him there that told me I was still definitely screwed, one way or another.  “Shepard.  You alright?”  I nodded, but my attention was draw by the movement of Geth Primes, claiming to have signed up for our fight.  I took Legion at his word, trusting them despite what the Admirals would have said.  Back on the shuttle, with the adrenalin from the fight clearing, my mind was instantly back to him and I knew I couldn’t hide from it any more.  My feelings for Garrus hadn’t changed from before the Omega 4, if anything thing this situation had made them grow stronger.  Even after the things I remembered Kaidan saying on our Citadel date, Garrus was still the one that kept invading my thoughts.  The only problem was that I didn’t know if I could put my fears aside enough to even _tell_ him that.  I just knew that I couldn’t keep pretending any more. 

It was only the fact that he might be suffering too that gave me any reservations about keeping him close.  That wasn’t fair to him, but how would I go about asking something like that, without possibly making it worse?  Back on the Normandy, after brushing off another attempt from the Quarian Admirals to dissect our new recruits, I retreated to my cabin claiming fatigue.  Yet I knew my mind would be unable to rest.  On our way back I’d done my best not to stare at Garrus with my new realization, but found it… difficult.  Whatever had happened here, clearly neither of us had been adverse to it.  We must have found _some_ way of being together that was… less dangerous than I kept imagining.

I shouldn’t have been surprised when I found myself on my terminal, already encrypting my access to the extranet so no one besides EDI could see what I was searching for.  And I trusted her to keep my secret, no matter how much Joker would have loved how embarrassing it was.  _Turian biology_.  I almost shut the screen down when the holo attached to the first article was a naked male standing proudly and rotating three hundred sixty degrees.  They looked spiky and hard, even if they had their soft places under their armor.  The reversed knees, sponge-like tongue to absorb water in their dryer mouths, possible anaphylactic shock if we ingested… a shiver ran down my spine again and I tried to click away, only to open an unintended link.

Snarls and multi-level trilling sounded as two Turians battled across the screen.  But despite the violence, they were both naked and mandibles flaring widely in what I could only guess was supposed to be a seductive smile.  When they charged each other again, the clacking of their natural plating drowning out their noises, and I collected myself enough to shut it down.  That had done _nothing_ to alleviate my fears.

With a sudden thought, I took a quick glance around the room, but didn’t see any signs of damage or power play.  Was it possible that Turians had ranges of sexual activities just like Humans did?  Well of course it was possible, but what was it that Garrus wanted?  Had he settled for a calmer style just to make me comfortable?  Was he actually happy with me like that?

His attitude when he left that first morning told me he was, but how did he feel now?  I knew I didn’t have the courage to ask him… but maybe I wouldn’t have to.  I knew he talked to Tali a lot, and clearly about us, at least on occasion from her own concern recently.  Would it be that bad to try and eavesdrop on them?  I knew it was invading their privacy and confidence, but the moment the idea popped into my head I couldn’t shake it.

Still sitting at my terminal, I opened our security channel and clicked through the monitors.  Guilt was starting to sink in and I was about to close it when I finally reached the batteries camera, only to find the feed cut.  Suddenly not caring if it was wrong, I needed to make sure that everything was alright.  But trying to reactivate it came back negative.  It wasn’t disabled, it was just heavily encrypted… just like my extranet search.  Without giving it a second thought, I started working my way through the encryption.  It was heavy and detailed, something only a few non AI’s on board could do, but if it was either Garrus or Tali, then maybe they _were_ talking about us.

Doubling my efforts to break through, I lost track of the time I spent on it.  I was growing almost too frustrated to continue when suddenly the feed warped and crackled to life again.  But Garrus wasn’t at his usual console, and Tali was certainly not in view of the camera.  I swept the scene, just as I would an infiltration site, until I spotted movement in the back corner.  With the encryption broken, I was able to jump to the camera mounted at the back of the gun, meant to monitor for maintenance issue, and felt my heart stop for a few beats.

There was a Turian style bunk between the outer wall and the body of the cannon, and it wasn’t empty.  Garrus was sprawled over it, one leg hanging over the side and his head leaned as far back as his fringe would allow, but my eyes were instantly drawn to his hands.  His armor was off and his arm held tense down to his fist, wrapped firmly around his…. _Holy shit!_

My eyes were locked on the screen, hands hovering over the controls with no real idea what they would do if they had the wherewithal.  His body kept tensing as his hand kept moving up and down.  I couldn’t see it well from the angle, but it was clear he was enjoying himself physically.  Different movement pulled my attention to his other hand, touching insistently at his waist.  But the motion seemed almost gentle, at least compared to the other vid.  He wasn’t scratching with his Talons or thrashing around like he was fighting.  Just thrusting and tensing rhythmically as his mandibles flapped widely and his powerful, deadly jaw hung open.

But as my attention shifted to his face, I realized suddenly that there was no sound coming through the feed.  Looking closer I could see his mandibles flaring almost in time with his hand, possibly just a simple pleasure reaction, but his plated lower jaw was moving more randomly.  Like he was speaking!  My hands instantly dropped back to the controls and set about decrypting the audio feed, trying not to stumble as my eyes kept straying back to his thrusting form.  I could feel the heat in my face, but as it started spreading lower across my body I had to doubt that it was merely embarrassment.  I’d always liked him for who he was, but with my near crippling fears I’d never had the chance to appreciate him for his physique before.  Maybe this was a good sign, that there was a chance for-

“ _Ugh!_ ”  My hands and thoughts froze again, all attention back on the screen as his moans cut through the silence.  The heat started pooling lower in my gut as his sounds matched his rhythm and they both slowly strengthen in intensity.  I found my breathing rising to meet his levels, even without any outside stimulation, but a horrible pressure in the back of my mind kept reminding me; were we even that compatible?  Did he actually find me _that_ attractive?  Was he settling for something less than he deserved or needed?

“ _Ah!  Shepard, please…_ ”  His arms tenses, possibly tightening his grip on himself, and he rocked against his own hand.  “ _Please, don’t… don’t stop!_ ”  Everything, my thoughts, worries, even breathing had stopped.  In the throes of passion, where we can’t help but babble honestly, he still wanted me, still thought of only me.  “ _Shepard._ ”  My name on his dual tones in such a wanting, pleading manor set a full-on fire roaring through my insides.  “ _Please, don’t leave. Ah-come back to me!_ ”  And even I can see the pain in his features, hear it in his voice, even through the poor quality feed.  His body seized suddenly, other hand gripping tightly at his waist, and a loud trill broke over all other sounds.

Instead of watching his body finish, to maybe try and see just how compatible we _might_ be, my eyes were fixed on his face.  I only had the courage to try and imagine seeing him over or under me as we came together, not to look at the rest of him.  But the pain etched in his stone-like features was too obvious, pulling me from any attempted fantasy before it even started. A broken sounding keen came through the channel and the hand that had been on his waist came up to cover the scarred side of his face and his eyes.  In that moment he looked so small and broken, as I’d never seen him before.  The pained sound continued, but I could hear his broken voice behind it and instantly reached for the volume control.  “ _…if I could just hear you say you loved me again.  Even if you didn’t mean it…_ ”  The keen grew even louder and instantly I turned off the channel.  It wasn’t until I turned back to my empty room that I found my vision blurred by unshed tears.

I felt his pain and loneliness aching in my own chest, feeling strangely familiar.  I’d felt it tenfold for my family, again after the loss of my squad on Akuze, when I floated alone and dying in the cold vacuum of space.  But most recently on Horizon when Kaidan had called me a traitor, making me doubt my very existence and the path I’d chosen to go after the Collectors.  While I hadn’t been in love, I knew he had been, and turning his back on me so easily and adamantly…  It was almost as painful as being spaced.  The only one who’d been there to pick up my broken pieces was Garrus.  He had always been passionate and strong, standing by me and helping me do the right thing.  He never doubted me like Kaidan did, never pointed a gun at me, save for standing in his way of Sidonis, and _never_ called me a traitor.  Kaidan hadn’t once spoken to me with such sincerity as I felt now through this simple surveillance feed, when Garrus hadn’t even known I was watching.

Why, after all that, had I been too scared to be with him?  Even without having seen it so plainly, how had I been so heartless as to use Kaidan as an excuse?  It would have been insanity to think Garrus _wouldn’t_ have been livid.  And now, even in the shock and surprise at my current situation, I’d done it again, risking his heart and his friendship for someone who didn’t even know how to trust me.  I’d been unable to put all of that aside, simply because of his appearance, his race?  When had I become so shallow and heartless?  He had been willing before, and here clearly had made those same kind of sacrifices for me, but they didn’t seem to make a dramatic difference to him.  If he felt so strongly for me, and I cared as much as I could finally admitted to myself that I did, then surly I could find my own way around these selfish fears.  Maybe… my gut churned with a new heat as the thought crashed head-long into my mind.  Maybe he would be willing to help me learn how!


	3. Chapter 3

It had seemed such an easy decision in the end, but the follow-through was giving me more problems than it ever had before.  More encrypted research, with more specific search parameters this go round, helped a little, but it always came back to those fears and my inability to get past them on my own.  It was damn near infuriating.  On any mission I’d been able to put my life-threatening consequences aside and focus on what needed to be done, no matter what it took.  But this wasn’t a mission, in the most obvious of senses, and even trying to see it as one failed miserably.  It was almost a relief when I received the call to land on Rannoch again.

This time we needed to get under the Geth’s jamming towers and target the Reaper’s base, still maintaining influence and control over a large number of the Geth.  They were now attacking the main Quarian Fleet, threatening extinction level casualties.  With Legions help, Tali’s tech and Garrus’ sniping, we were able to push our way through the adversary platforms with that same practiced ease.  Reaching a high enough elevation in the base and retracting a blast-shield, I was able to paint the main area that was broadcasting the signal with a targeting laser that EDI could track.

They came in hot for a bombing run, destroying any of the technology that was broadcasting the Reaper signal, but the resulting explosion sent the ledge I was standing on crashing back down to the lower level.  Any injuries were minor and completely forgotten at the heart-stopping sound of a Reaper as it started crawling its way out of the hole we’d just made.  The others managed to jump down to me and we made a mad dash for Legion, arriving with much needed transportation.  Sure that they were safe inside, I clamored up to the mounted gun on the back, holding on as Legion _attempted evasive maneuvers_.

My fire seemed to do minimal, if any damage at all, so I immediately called for the Fleet to open fire.  It took it down, but clearly not out.  However it did the job of exposing it’s only apparent weakness.  I called for EDI to link everyone to the Normandy’s firing system and lock it in to the target I painted with the laser.  I heard protests behind me when I bailed, and continuing over comms as Legion continued to a safe distance and I turned back towards the Reapers as it rose back to its feet.

As much as I was gambling with my life, waiting for it to take aim at me so I could identify my target, I couldn’t help the smile that split my face.  It was remarkably similar to playing chicken on the tractors back on Mindoir, waiting until the last moment to duck and hoping not to get clipped by your opponent.  But this thing just kept coming, moving closer and closer and making the dodging just a little more difficult.  Only after five barrages, pieces hanging limply off its main body, and the behemoth was practically on top of me, did we finally take it down.

Dirt was crammed into every crevice on my armor as I forced myself to my feet once again. It was too badly damaged to do any more harm, let alone function much longer, but even then it tried to intimidate and claim for impending victory.  As if to respond to its taunts of chaos and its continuing cycle, its solution to _us_ , the Quarians tried to take advantage of the suddenly silent Geth.  No longer under Reapers control, they’d stopped fighting, repeating the history that the consensus had shown me and not wanting to eradicate their creators.  Now the Quarian Admirals opened fire, encouraging their people to wipe them all out.

To defend his people from extinction, Legion began to upload his own Reaper upgrades, no longer controlled by the Reapers themselves.  It would leave them free of the machines, but allow them the option of survival and independence.  Knowing it would make them just as strong as they had been before, Tali tried to call off the Fleet’s attack, but they did not want to listen, insistent upon upholding and repeating their own entire history of pointless war against their own creations.  It took my warning of the Geth about to return to full power for them to even hesitate, so I jumped at the opportunity.

“The Geth don’t want to fight you.  If you can believe that, for just one minutes, this war will be over.”

After perilous seconds, miraculously the fleet stood down and the fighting finally stopped.  For the first time in centuries, the skies over Rannoch were peaceful, though filled with shock and awe.  But our sacrifices were not yet over.

“Direct personality dissemination is required.  Shepard-Commander, I must got to them.  I’m… I’m sorry.”  Tali impressed me the most, hearing the tears in her own eyes as she finally admitted out loud to the wrongs of her people and accepted the assistance of the Primes to actually help the Quarians in returning to their Homeworld.  They even turned to me and pledged their help at our final push on Earth as well.  While I accepted and felt a pride in both of their people, most of my mind was simply numb, ringing soundly at the loss of yet another friend to this war.  Tali said she would stay with us and help against the Reapers as well, and I was grateful for her continued presence, but it did little to comfort the pain.

The ride back to the ship was one of mournful silence, one I did not break even as I crossed straight to the elevator.  I stepped under the faucet in my private bathroom, just as I had after Mordin sacrificed himself, with my armor still on. Only when the dirt was gone and the water running down the drain was again clear, did I start stripping off the pieces, leaving them scattered about to the room to dry as I soaked my sore muscles under the hot stream.  When I could bear the thundering silence of the water no longer, I turned it off and set about dressing and drying my hair.

It still hung in its nearly dry curtain, over my shoulders and down about my waist, when I left the bathroom.  I started for an instant, a large form catching the corner of my vision, but I surprised myself by relaxing instantly as I turned and found it was Garrus.  While it occurred to me that he was intruding without asking, I realized not only that I’d never reset the locks, but that I didn’t mind at the moment.

“I thought you might need… well, a friend right now.”  It was obvious he was worried about pushing whatever our relationship was at the moment, or even just intruding on my space, but the appreciative smile was already forcing its way across my lips so I decided not to fight it.

“I think you’re right.”  His mandibles snapped out, fluttering briefly, before he turned himself towards the main section of the room and descended towards the couch.  I fought down my surprise, reminding myself that he would have probably been here through all of the major losses during this fight.  He might well know far better than I do what I was needing right now.

For just a moment I thought about the decision I’d come to, wondering if he’d be willing to help bring me around to the physical appreciation of the Turian form  But I pushed it aside as I hit the bottom step myself, seeing his form both comfortable and uncertain as I drew closer.  This wasn’t the proper time or mindset for me to be making any suggestions, of any kind.  Instead, I kept a break in the cushions between us as I sat next to him on the long white couch.  It felt slightly odd, for me because I was sitting so close, and for him probably because I was sitting so far away, but I did what I could to push the thoughts down.  Now was for thinking about Legion, and what he’d been able to accomplish in the end.

“I’ll miss him, but I think he did the right thing.”  I felt his sharp, icy blue eyes on my face as I vaguely studied the fish in their tank across the room.  “The Geth needed their independence, and they _both_ deserve peace.”

A low rumble sounded beside me, feeling supportive and comforting even if I didn’t know its exact meaning.  My eyes slid closed for a moment, just relaxing in it, and I found myself leaning towards the vibration, seeking it out.  But I stopped before bumping into him.  As I opened my eyes again, I found myself starting to reminisce about him, both on our mission to the Collector base, and the short time he’d been on board during this fight.  When I felt like I might be overwhelmed by tears, Garrus joined in, his voice still with that pleasant rumble to it, sharing his own stories.  There were a few that were more recent, and his phrasing of them made it sound like I should have known the stories already, or even been there when they’d happened.  When I met his eyes curiously he shared them in more detail anyway, but he watched me strangely for a time.

Before long I was laughing at the ridiculousness of it, trying hard to catch my breath, and found my shoulder leaning against the armor of his chest piece.  When the position sunk in, I snapped back enough to look up at his eyes, shining with hope, sadness, and a few more things I wasn’t ready to name.  But even though I was still unable to just pull the trigger on our situation, I could feel my own grief welling up inside me and knew I couldn’t contain it any longer.  It was too much when the first sob wracked my shoulders, my head drooping back down again and thunking slightly again his arms.  Instantly one of his armored hands was around me, rubbing soothing circles on my shoulder and, like a flood gate, I let it go.

Somewhere in the long process of tears and dealing… with everything, one of my arms had slid behind him and the other latched onto the front of his chest piece for support in almost a pseudo hug.  My cheek was against the cool metal, chilling my tear stained skin as my breathing slowly started to calm down again.  That was when I realized that his hand had moved from my shoulder to my head, petting gently against my hair.  Three points of pressure, scraping slightly and catching in the strands, brought one of my bloodshot eyes open quickly, zeroing in on his gauntlet that now lay freely on the table.

The fear was instant but momentary, reveling too much in how good it felt as they passed again through my long hair and his warmth returned to my scalp.  I remembered him vocalizing some fascination with my hair, before I’d royally screwed everything up, and felt his taking advantage of this situation could be justified.  But he must not have thought so, his hand suddenly stopping its path.  Short, anxious breaths rustled the hair on top of my head as he hovered, possibly waiting for me to strike out at him for the move.  Yet, in that moment, it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Instead, I followed my gut and clutched to him tighter, scooting a little closer to him on the couch and feeling my leg rest alongside his own.  The next breath felt shaky against my hair, but I paid it no mind as the strange, tri-fingered hand drew back against my scalp.

I let myself go in the feeling again, only to start slipping further down and heading towards a comforting darkness.  While I knew what was happening, I made the semi-conscious choice to ignore it.  I trusted him with my life, so I could trust him now, and somehow that was enough to lower my resistance and hesitation.  Before I could think anything else about it, I embraced the darkness and drifted into a far less fitful sleep than I would have found alone.


	4. Chapter 4

When I woke again, I found I was not surprised to be back in my own bed, covers drawn up around me.  I was still in my uniform and my quarters were empty, which pulled oddly at my chest.  He’d respected me as much as I’d known he would, not pushing any possible boundaries and only removing my boots before tucking me under the sheets.  My own reaction gave me some hope, that maybe I _hadn’t_ ruined our chances completely.

But, before I could dwell any thoughts on it, I found messages waiting for me.  The most urgent was from the Asari Councilor, requesting our immediate presence on the Citadel.  Joker set a course and I threw myself into preparations.  Who knew when we would be back again and I had a list to make of what needed restocking.  That took up all of my day, moving me across the whole ship and talking to almost everyone, but never near the battery.  It was mildly frustrating how easy it was for him to avoid me when I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  Any spare moment that I had to myself, I thought about what he sounded like saying my name, how his hand felt in my hair and the comforting warmth he provided… what else those dangerous looking hands would be able to do to me.

I threw down another data pad, toppling the stack I’d accumulated on my desk, filled with information for restocking.  Alone now in my room there was no way to avoid these thoughts, and it was maddening.  Even in the height of the relationship I remembered with Kaidan, I’d never been this consumed and frustrated by it.  When he’d left me on horizon, Garrus had helped me keep my _self_ intact, but my mind had instantly returned to the mission.  When he’d been hurt on Mars I’d felt guilty and put any remaining thoughts of romance behind me and thrown myself _back to the mission_.  Even when he’d come back, it was his own persistence that had brought us back together, but there was always still the mission.  Now there seemed to be no rest from it.  I could focus when there was a task to handle, when I was on the battlefield, but the instant the pressure was off, even for a moment, my mind went straight to Garrus and the possibilities.

As if of their own, my feet carried me towards my shadowed desk and my hands encrypted the extranet search.  Even as I scolded myself, my eyes betrayed me by looking for more information, to better understand what would happen between a Turian and a Human.  There wasn’t a whole lot of information available, still so many viewing it as taboo, but Turian and Asari was common enough.  There were still massive differences between us and the more attractive race in the galaxy, but if the two of them were compatible, then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard… his plates were hard, his stare could turn to stone as I remembered, what else would be-

I forced myself to turn off the browser and rose from my chair.  This was ludicrous, I was a Commander, a Spectre, a war hero even, a walking experiment of life and death, and yet I was being confounded by one simple Turian.  Tearing off my clothes, I turned myself towards the shower and made sure it was scolding.  Part of me still wanted to feel wrong and dirty for even considering it, but now the other part of my mind had first-hand experience with one of his own, _outside_ his armor.  I seared my imagination into temporary submission, long enough for me to dry my hair and fall into a fitful sleep.

Little good the shower had done me, waking in a drenched sweat as we exited the Relay on the Citadel’s side, Joker calling half hour till docking.  The dreams were difficult to push aside, reminders of my death, mixed with the fears I couldn’t shake, wondering how like my own death it would feel if he accidentally pushed too hard with his talons.  As much as I knew I could trust him, the icy chill on my spine was as discouraging as my hopes had been high the day before.

And of course, the low mood it put me in was only compounded by my meeting with the Asari Councilor.  Prothean secrets, hidden away all this time, and only revealed to us now that it was their _own_ world in imminent danger.  Of course I would help, what choice did I have?  We needed all the information we could get, and I had to save as many life as this war allowed me to.  But thankfully, there wasn’t much time for myself as we sped towards Thessia.  Most of it was spent in Liara’s room, trying to learn as much as we could about what even she hadn’t discovered as the Shadow Broker.  Javik’s input was even helpful, as well as even more frustrating, leaving Liara in doubt and fear of what we would find.

But it wasn’t what we found that we should have been weary of.  It was _who else_ was after it.  Kai Leng deserved death for what he’d done to Thane, but with a gunship at his back and the Reapers not far behind, there was little we could do to stand in his way.  I’d been so close, until he took out the very floor under my feet, leaving the temple in ruins and the planet not far behind as he made off with the data.  It was even a close call getting ourselves back in the air, more Reapers touching down and shredding their defenses, just as they had on Earth.  The feelings fresh and sickening for me as Liara tried to hold it together just as I had, long enough to reach the privacy of her room.

After the cool dismissal from the Councilor on vid com, I invaded that space, refusing to give her the time to wallow as I had, and still was at times.  We had each abandoned our worlds, Earth, Palaven, Sur’Kesh, now Thessia, but we had done so for reasons that we far bigger than we were.  She at least had the resources to continue to try and help her people, while I had to try and help the whole galaxy first.  Seeing her regain her initiative reinvigorated me, bringing me back to my room and my own information to pour over again.  With a tracker on Leng, it was only a matter of time before we reached Horizon again, to hunt him down and relieve him of the data.

My focus brought me surprise when I heard my doors open, not having thought enough to even hope he would come find me again.  But there he stood, looking as surprised as I felt as he took in my appearance.

“Shepard, I thought you might be…”  I didn’t force him to say it, knowing full well what he meant, but his presence here and constant concern still meant a lot to me; more than I knew how to vocalize.

“Thank you Garrus, but I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?”  I could tell he didn’t fully believe me, but I had to put the pain aside for just a little bit longer.  Though, with him here now, it was growing harder to focus on the data pads scattered across my desk.

“As well as can be expected.”  A tenseness I hadn’t noticed in his shoulders dropped and he took a step towards me.  “We’ll get him; I have to believe that.  We’ll find the data, and no matter what the Illusive Man knows, we will find a way to stop them.”

“Shepard…”

I shifted a few of the data pads again, trying to find something more useful than the one I’d been memorizing.  “There has to be a way, we can’t have failed yet, I just need a little more time.”

“Shepard!”

The strength and proximity of his voice startled me into turning around, finding him right in front of me and holding my trembling shoulder.  Had I really sounded so desperate?  I thought I had myself under control… was it so obvious?

“You need to take a break.  It was a long day, you should rest.”

I shook my head adamantly.  “Rest brings dreams… nightmares.  I’ll work myself until I drop or am too tired to care; still should get a few hours by then.”

“You need to slow down a little or you’ll wear yourself out.”  His hand dropped away from my shoulder as if disappointed, but when I found his eyes again they were more hopeful than I expected to find.  “I could stay, if you want.  Just keep you company?”

I knew his offer was the same as before, platonic like with our grief for Legion, but the rapid beat of my heart was flooding my mind with other thoughts.  I didn’t leave myself time to think about it, knowing I would find a way to back out again.  No, this time I push ahead and decided to try for it.  “Or we could try something else.”  His whole body tensed and I almost regretted my decision before the hope returned to his face making every plate relax a little.  I wanted mine to relax too, but my nerves were back on high alert as I started to pace back and forth with barely two feet separating us.  “I still don’t know how I feel about it, but… I thought we could give it a shot and see what happens.”

Stopping my pacing, I turned towards his still silent form, unsure what to expect.  After what I’d seen and heard through the surveillance my hopes were high, but his face had returned to the stone I’d thought it was for so long.  Fighting the urge to start pacing again, I stood still between what was my office and the entrance to my cabin and waited as patiently as I could for his answer.

I almost jumped back when a low, hard growl sounded, but his sudden movement halted me in a strange sense of fear as he stalked away from me.  “I’m sorry, Shepard, but I can’t.”  The continued rumbling of his tone mixed with his voice was the ultimate feeling of finality and I felt my hope shatter in that moment.  “I can’t be your experiment.”  My eyes focused harder on him as he shook his head, explaining even though he didn’t have to.  “I thought I could, but I’ve decided I want more… I want what we promised, and if you can’t give it I will accept your _friendship_.”  The word sounded like a dagger, sliding into both our backs in the same instant, and the feeling surprised me even further.  “If we were to go any further with this… I just can’t accept anything less than that.”

The silence that followed almost drown out the mechanics of the ship around us, feeling like it dragged on at a crawl.  When he clearly felt like he’d waited enough, he started towards the door again.  But in the two long strides it took him to reach it, the sudden realization occurred to me, and I didn’t have time to refine my words.

“I _want_ more, Garrus.”  My words were barely a whisper above the sound of the door opening, but he’d heard it, coming to a halt in the archway his height almost filled.  I knew I had precious seconds to make my case, and make it as believable as I suddenly realized it felt.  “I want more, I want…”  I tried to push my thoughts into order, but I was struggling to control the sudden wash of honesty I was throwing at him and not sure how much I should give away.  “I have feelings for you that I hardly understand.  They’ve been there for a while, but I’m… I’m not… sure, physically.  I’d never even _really_ considered it before yo-”

“Are you trying to be _funny_?”  My eyes zeroed in on his again, shocked at the vivid anger I could see in them, hear in his voice and almost taste in the air between us.  I barely had time to gasp in a breath as he was suddenly in front of me again.  Both of his hands took my arms in a tight, painful grip and stepped again, pushing me back into the dividing wall of my office with a hard thunk.  “Because that was my first concern, you think you can turn it on me now to get what you want?”  I felt the points of his talons through what I suddenly realized were civilian gloves, knowing that they could tare through both his material and mine and break my skin if he wanted to.  As if noticing my attention slipping from his accusation, his grip tightened again and he shook me, my spine and even my head hitting the wall again.  “When did you become so _selfish_?”

My back hurt a little, head throbbed slightly, arms already bruising under his touch… and I was afraid.  But as tears came to the corners of my eyes, I realized that there was one thing that terrified me more than the pain, than the differences between us and the possible embarrassment of awkward interspecies sex.  That one thing was him leaving this room right now and proving that I’d ruined any chance of ever being with him, along with what remained of our friendship.  And I knew in that instant that, besides this war being over, it was the only thing left that I desperately wanted for myself.  It was a chance to correct the fearful mistakes I’d made in my own past, and see what I had been missing out on all along, see if I was capable of making him happy.

His eyes focused as my own blinked, forcing one of my tears to trek down my cheek, and watched its path with a level of confusion that I didn’t understand.  Slowly his gaze traveled back up to find mine, desperately holding in the rest of the moisture.  As he continued to watch me, I knew I was pleading with my eyes, beyond any level of pride and ready to beg aloud if I had to.  It was startling how fast his face plates shifted and his hands released me, stealing back the warmth that had started absorbing into my skin.  I gasped at the withdrawal, unable to stop myself from leaning after him, trying to stay close.

His eyes moved quickly to my arms, as if realizing he could have been hurting me, before finding my gaze in what I could only guess was shock and maybe realization.  “You… aren’t making this up… are you?”

I shook my head violently, not caring about the subtle pain left there.  My only feeling is the loss of contact, no matter how hard or painful it had been.  It was then that I knew with no remaining doubt, no matter how painful or awful it could be, I wanted this.  That understanding helped me to bite back the sobs and find my solid voice again.

“Please.  You’re all I can think about when I’m not pouring over those data pads.”  He seemed to sway slightly as I gesture to them, but did not retreat.  Feeling hopeful again I pressed on, hoping he wouldn’t hate me for my honestly.  “I’ve always felt something for you, but I was afraid.  I’d told you I wanted to wait for Kaidan because he was convenient, an easy distraction from my fear and weakness.”  When he _still_ didn’t move, I stepped into his personal space, though still not touching him.  “Now, I just want you to be happy and… and I can’t help the feeling that I want to be that one that _makes_ you happy.  But I’m still afraid… afraid th-that it won’t work.  That I’ll push you away, or won’t be enough to make you-”

My voice was cut off by the feeling of his mouth against mine, automatically closing my eyes and focusing on the texture of his own.  It was almost like a warm stone, but flexible enough that I could feel him moving and shifting slightly against my lips.  When he pulled back, the breath that had gotten stuck by his sudden attack came out in a rush.  His responding groan opened my eyes, finding him only a few inches away from me as my breath flooded his senses.  A ragged breath back in and I could smell his own; metallic, gun oil, something almost earthy, and a subtle sense of maleness that was starting to grow stronger.

I felt myself waver slightly towards him again, a whimper escaping me as I realized how much I’d enjoyed it.  His mandibles flared out in a smile and he was back on top of me, rising to full height and forcing my chin to rise to keep the contact.  With his plates pressed firmly against mine, my mouth opened with his and that maleness filled me along with his sponge-like tongue.  The next sudden inhale left me as a moan, and I marveled at just how good he was at kissing, and how little the different texture bothered me.  Clearly this was something that he’d had a lot of practice with and I felt suddenly jealous of my other self that had been _here_ for it.

When his arms slid in and gripped at my waist, encouraging me to rise up on my toes, I followed his lead and wrapped my arms around his muscled neck.  His grip tightened and I worried that it was the wrong move, until his own groan tremored through our joined tongues.  On instinct, one of my hands turned up along the back of his head, feeling the small rows of plating where I was used to gripping Human hair.  Pulling a little of my attention away from his still insistent mouth, I let my fingers trace his contours, pushing past the strangeness of his differences.  I was pulled away from my discovery as his hand moved up my waist to my ribs and pushed me back slightly.

My mouth came away from his in a panting breath, already missing his warmth again, but I waited, not sure what it was he wanted.  Both his grip and his eyes had a hint of frustration in them, but when he looked at me he smiled, assuring me it was the good kind.  “A little higher, under the fringe.”

While I was unsure, I moved my hand up as he’d asked and felt the hard, bone like plates that protruded off the back of his head lifting up slightly.  Hoping I was guessing right, I moved under it and felt skin almost as smooth as mine, but my attention was instantly back on him as he growled and pressed his whole body against mine, pinning me to the wall again.  It was obviously a good reaction as he bent to kiss me again, his hands starting to wander across my torso.  My skin tingled wherever he touched me, and even though he barely grazed over my chest, I could feel the heat starting to pool in my stomach.

Just when I felt like it was going very well, learning how hard he liked it on that sensitive skin, he shoved himself away from me again.  I reached after him, but it was instantly clear that he was trying to slow himself down.  When I saw his eyes glance towards the bed over my shoulder, I felt the rising flutter of my stomach pull back down into nervous levels.  As if sensing it, his eyes were suddenly back on me, leaning his forehead down to brush against mine.  It wasn’t so much the gesture as his sudden tenderness that increased the feeling of intimacy, bringing heat to my face as his mandibles fluttered softly this time.

“If you want, I can take the lead.”  It wasn’t really a question; he seemed to just know what I was thinking, and it didn’t surprise him at all when I nodded in response.  It _did_ surprise me when he crouched down and wrapped a strong arm around my legs.  Rising back up, he lifted me off the ground and I couldn’t help the indignant yelp as my arms latched onto his broad, plated and strong shoulders.  I felt his laugh rumble through my own chest as he turned towards the stairs and I tried my best to look angry as I glared at him.  He only laughed harder, mandibles staying out as he took each of the steps carefully, reversed knees bumping into my own slightly as they hung straight down below his arm.  “I’ve always loved that sound.”

The heat returned to my face with a vengeance, not stopping when he loosened his grip and lowered me back to the floor.  A glance around proved we were still in the center of the room, only about a step or so away from the stairs, and several more from the bed.  Releasing me fully, I turned back towards him to find his hand held out in front of me.  I knew what he was doing, leaving the proverbial ball in my court and giving me a chance to slow down or stop.  But I was more afraid that I would lose my nerve _again_ , and I didn’t want to hurt him… again.  Glancing down, I placed my hand easily in his and felt myself relax and tense at the same time.

His mandibles fluttered outward and he started backing up, pulling me along with him towards the bed.  All the while I was looking him over, comparing him to the Turians I’d seen in my somewhat limited research.  It was hard to tell with his civilian clothes on, but the thought of taking them off and finding out was becoming more and more alluring.  Unfortunately my nerves were still betraying me as we stopped at the foot of the large bed, a subtle tremble starting to spread from my chest and stomach out into each of my limbs.  I was sure he could feel it, even through both of our clothing, but I was surprised at the pleasant turn of the sensation when his raw hide warmth touched and spread across my neck.  _When had he removed his glove_?

A quick glance found it on the floor at our feet, but more movement kept my focus on him as his other hand came up to his beak-like mouth plates.  With the same subtle flexibility I’d felt against my own mouth, and no doubt years of practice, he pinched each tip of a finger and loosened the material from his tri-fingered hand before slipping it free of the glove.  A simple separation of his mouth plates sent it down to the floor to meet the other, but my focus was still on his plates, remembering how surprisingly good they‘d felt pressed against my lips.  As I leaned forward, wanting to latch on to something I _knew_ was good, an entirely new shiver started at the base of my spine where his warm hand pressed me closer to him.

I was about to close the distance myself and kiss him, when that hand suddenly found its way under the back of my uniform.  It was warm and rough, tickling the small hairs that now stood up all over my skin and forcing my breath out between a gasp and a groan.  He seemed to like that answer, his hand on my neck sliding down to join it in guiding my uniform up higher.  It was almost torture how slow he was going, but I could sense he was being cautious; looking, waiting for any sign that I was uncomfortable or wanted to stop.  If anything, I wished he would go faster so my nerves _didn’t_ have that chance, but again he seemed to know what it was I needed.

Continuing to hold my thoughts at bay, not wanting them to take control over my actions, I volunteered the motion of my arms rising, suspecting he would know what the gesture meant.  Meeting my expectation, his hands took solid hold of the fabric and pulled upwards until my uniform blocked my view of him.  I knew he’d seen my scars before, even in their glowing Cerberus state, but I never remembered it feeling so intimate.  Unable to help my instinct, the moment my hands came free of the material they dropped to cover the unsightly imperfection.  He discarded my shirt to the floor, beside his gloves, and moved his own warm hands over mine, brushing them gently away.  I’d always been reserved about showing them to people, not relishing in their reactions, but I couldn’t help finding Garrus a more soothing warmth.

Another gasp stole my breath and voice as he leaned down and fluttered his mandibles against one particularly bad scar on my shoulder, almost lovingly, and it brought more tears to my eyes.  It was strange to think now that I had ever expected any different from him, letting myself relax further and my hand return to the lifted underside of his fringe.  The fluttering stopped as his grip tightened, his own voice sounding strained with his resistance.  Lifting his eyes back to mine, towering over me at his full height again, I saw the question in his eyes and let myself nod again.

Those warm hands returned to my waist, making the skin tingle again, but this time he moved down to meet the fabric of my regulation slacks.  Expertly flipping the claps free, he hooked the material and started pushing it down over my hips.  I felt his hesitation when he passed the lip of my boyshorts underneath, but he continued on past the other fabric.  He was probably used to removing them all together, and as much as I was feeling the frustration of it, I was suddenly thankful for his slower pace.

More of my scars came into his view, but his warmth didn’t leave any more room for embarrassment as he crouched and helped one foot then the other out of the material.  Still kneeling in front of me, he pushed gently on my hips as if making a request.  I acquiesced and sat gently on the bed, moving back towards the pillows of my own accord as he rose to his feet again.  The look was the same as before, appreciating as it slid over my body, but reserved so as not to overwhelm me.  I was still thankful, but the need to push that kind of thinking aside was growing again, the want to feel more of that intensity I’d felt when he’d shook me, to force my fears to retreat behind his instinct to hold me close to him.  With that as my goal, I laid back flat against the center of the bed and reached an open hand out to him, beckoning him to me.

A heat flashed in his eyes, but I could still see his restraint as the bed dipped slightly under his knees as he started crawling up towards me, the motion striking me as odd looking with their reverse nature.  Changing my focus from the abnormal, I lifted my hand to slide along his neck and back up to the now familiar region, using it to pull him down into another kiss.  It was still strange that it would feel so good to me, but I tried to throw my argumentative logic aside and enjoy his tongue as it pushed its way into my mouth again.  This allowed my groan to reverberate when his weight shifted and settled between my legs as one of his hands gripped softly at my breast through the material of my bra.

He broke the kiss and nudged my head so the still new feeling of his sponge-like tongue could move to my neck.  From there it shifted down towards my chest, mandibles flickering out alongside its path and making me squirm at the tickling sensation.  When I was able to concentrate on keeping my eyes open, I could see his form bending in an arch to keep his attention on my chest and pressure against my hips at the same time.  That pressure was doing its job too well, yet not well enough.  I knew I needed more friction, but wasn’t sure how to get it.  Shifting my more free leg to the side, I bent my knee to try and force my pelvic up into his.  But when it brushed against his waist, I gasped at the harsh, nipping sensation at my chest.

There was a steady rumble building and his breaths were coming out more like pants when he braced himself over me on both hands.  That was when I remembered the surveillance vid and how one of his hands hand been lingering on his waist.  My inadequate research had mentioned that it was an erogenous area so I took my moment’s chance and brought both my hands to it.  I kneaded harder than I thought necessary, not sure if his civvies would diminish the sensations or if he would need it to be stronger than a Human touch would usually be.  Instead I got a groan almost on the edge of a roar in response.  Instantly one of his hands was around a wrist, pulling it away from him and pinning it to the bed as he caught his breath.

“If you do that, I may not be as gentle as I should.”  Feeling bolder than I thought I would, my remaining hand griped harder on the fabric of his civvies and tried pulling it up as he had done to mine.  His eyes grew wider, but his look was more like a warning and uncertainty.  Without loosening my grip, I waited as he continued to watch me closely.  I could see the deliberation in his eyes, unsure if complying would scare me off again.  But I desperately wanted to try, otherwise the fears might still override this new sense of need and fascination I felt when he touched me, or I touched him.

When he pushed back from me, I felt the fear of rejection slipping in, but he only moved up into a practiced balance on his strange knees.  Now towering over me, looking every inch the predator, he gave me a perfect view as his hands went to what had been hidden clasps in his tunic.  It was a slow torture, as well as new discovery, the material peeling away from his chest as he kept opening it further.  The plates that came into my view were certainly alien, but looked about how I’d expected from my research.  What I didn’t know was how it would feel.  As he loosed the fabric from his plated shoulders, I reached up and braced both my hands on the sides of his chest… carapace?  I pushed the diagrams aside and focused on the rough texture, similar to what his hands had felt like, only harder, more solid.  There was some give, allowing him to move more freely, expanding to allow more air into his chest for endurance, but also keep him protected from radiation and physical combat.

I swallowed my laughter at my technical approach to his body and did my best to brush it from my mind, focusing more on texture and warmth.  There was certainly a lot of heat coming off of him, but the plates that protruded the farthest were already starting to cool as it dissipated into the air of my cabin.  No wonder Turians didn’t like the cold.  While I continued to explore, constantly surprised by the subtle movements I could feel through the rough plating, I made sure to press my hand solidly into him, trying to share my own lesser heat.

Moving lower, I almost jumped when his hands slammed down onto the bed on either side of me, forcing me back again.  The texture of his waist was like worn leather, though holding enough moisture to not start cracking, and the heat was practically radiating, but all of that paled to the sound of his voice flanging in a moan as he dug into the sheets.  Feeling deviant and strangely uninhibited, I left one hand to grip his waist again, distracting from the other as I moved it back up under his fringe.

The moment my fingers dug in, I heard the sound of his talons puncturing the taunt fabric of the sheets as he restrained himself.  It was followed promptly by tearing as he leaned to free one of his hands, moving in a blur to the waist of his own pants.  As complicated as it seemed to remove them, spurs and protruding hips in his way, he was careless as he yanked them open and shoved them down.  He was braced high enough above me that I could look down and get a decent view of him.  From my research I’d known to expect more of the textured plating, but as he shoved the fabric down I found them already parted.  The moment they were clear, his grey-blue organ slipped free with a sound a pure relief.

After another moment, his hand rested against the ruined sheets again, drawing my eyes back up to his.  His look was an attempt at scolding, but I could tell it felt far too good for him to be truly mad.  But the glimpse I’d gotten was enough to make me nervous again.  Forcing a small smile, I tried to look back as covertly as possible.  It wasn’t much larger than an average human, and even the color was not that off-putting.  The noticeable taper to the head would make it easier, even if his base was fairly thick, and the shine I could see from his lubrication would help, but the overall shape from base to tip was a slow curve up and… ovular.  Seeing it protruding from the split in his plates, it made sense in an evolutionary sense, but I wasn’t sure how that would feel inside a very circular ring of muscles.  Not to mention the knurled texture beneath the slick skin, also brought on by evolution; I was just glad they didn’t _attach_ to their partners any more.

He shifted again, his hand coming gently to my cheek and bringing me back up to his face.  The smile on his mandibles and in his eyes was reassuring, but I felt my spine start to melt when he spoke, both his tones sounding deeper and more horse than I ever heard them before.

“Believe me, it works.  We’ll start slow, but it works.”  I could only nod, feeling the heat swelling back up in my gut again.  “Why don’t we both finish getting undressed.”  That heat moved outwards, flaring up on my face again, but I nodded as he rose back up to his feet.  While he finished getting his pants free of his hips, spurs and feet, I tried not to feel uncomfortable.  As alien as he was to me, I wonder what I looked like to him, how had he first felt when we’d started?  Was it anything like the twisting my own stomach was doing as I tried to keep my eyes from lingering on him too long?


	5. Chapter 5

A blushing heat spread across my whole body this time and I couldn’t stop my knees from sliding up to cover my now bare chest as my ankles also crossed, trying to cover everything that was of importance.  I felt almost childish when he finally dropped his pants over the end of the bed and turned back to me, only to pause in hesitation at the sight of me curled up in near a ball of uncertainty.  Inside I tried to fight it off, not wanting to give back in to the fears and scared to death that he would pull back from me again.  But instead I was surprised to feel the warmth of his hands on my knees, pushing gently but with insistent.  Bringing my eyes back up, avoiding any part of him that would just make me more nervous, I found his gaze soft and understanding.

“You’re beautiful to me because you’re you.  I find your differences attractive _because_ you are unique to me.”  His mandibles fluttered again in amusement as he continued.  “I still don’t have a fetish for Humans, but I’ve learned to love your body’s responses.”  I didn’t follow the humor, but I understood his intentions and allowed him to guide me back down into the sheets and spread my legs apart.  I flushed again, embarrassed by being so open to him, but his softer expression didn’t change as he leaned down again.

His eyes were easy to focus on, even when his warm, leathery palm started trailing up the inside of my thigh.  The heat was instantly relaxing, even if the feeling of his hand was larger than I was used to, and only had three strong fingers to grip with.  My muscles tensed inside as he drew even closer, but he did not take it as resistance.  Instead his other hand came to rest on my side and shared even more of his warmth with me through the calming gesture.  But while it _was_ relaxing, I could feel the growing fear as I thought about his sharper talons approaching my most sensitive skin.

I gasped when his hand finally made direct contact, but it deflated slightly when I only felt the leather pad of his finger pressing against me.  It still made my spine tingle and my skin slick with moisture, but it was almost disappointing that I couldn’t feel his talons anywhere near me.  As crazy as I knew it was, I felt a loss at the lack of danger like what I’d felt from his rough, angry hands before.  My hips still thrust up gently, enjoying the friction of his hide as I grew wetter, but I couldn’t help bringing my hands back up to his waist to try and encourage him further.

As I scrambled for a grip on the unplated skin, I hear him groan and chuckle at the same time.  His hand rotated and I couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped me as his long talon pressed in and dragged up between my parted lips, setting my heart rate thundering in my chest.  To my surprised, even with the pointed pressure he had applied to my arms, I could feel that the tip of it was dulled down and unable to break the skin without a lot more pressure.  Was that something he had done for whatever relationship we’d had before this whole thing started, or was it normal for modern Turians to do?  It was something I hadn’t thought to look for in my research.

But I wasn’t left with any more brain power to think about it, the rest of his finger thrusting in after it.  The plating scrapped my insides, rough pad massaging the sensitive skin and delving deeper in that most Human fingers could reach.  All the sensitive bundles of nerves I had were brushed on the first stroke, and he seemed pleased with the cry of pleasure it produced from me.  My eyes were wide when they found his again and his mandibles matched as he smiled, pulling his finger back to tease the outside again before thrusting back in.  His other hand moved down from my side to hold my hip, either to torture me or make sure I didn’t actually hurt myself on him.

Either way, I felt the pleasurable pressure building up quickly as I clung to him.  The pressure on his waist only made him thrust harder, giving me that sense of dangerous I hadn’t known I was craving until tonight.  Bending again, his head dropped back down and I felt his textured tongue brush against the outside of my breast, pressing more firmly as it drew towards the hardened center.  Another rigid breath came rushing out as a scream when he pinched the sensitive skin between the plating on his mouth, clearly a careful movement that could have broken the fragile skin if he’d wanted to.  That thought just compounded with everything else, and I sobbed out with my first orgasm as he suddenly added his second finger into my wet folds.

I could feel the muscles trying to grip reflexively and meeting resistance in the strangest places.  There was almost a slight burning feeling as I squeezed against the protective plating on the back of his fingers, but it did nothing to slow down my body’s natural response to his ministrations.  When my body finally relaxed again, I found my vision dark and opened my eyes, seeking out his own and finding them very intent on me.  Only when I broke into a smile did I see some worry and concern leaving his own eyes, mandibles fluttering back out to match again before ducking his forehead to mine and brushing against it.

While I wasn’t sure if I had done anything wrong, his hand coming up from my hip to rest on my cheek inspire the silence to remain.  His other fingers still moved gently within me, not letting me drop all the way back down from the physical high, but still allowing me to relax again.  It was then that I heard the soft purring sound coming from him, reverberating above me, and the pleasant feeling brought a contented sigh to my lips.  I could almost feel his smile as his head shifted down alongside mine, his voice soft and rumbling as he finally spoke again.

“Are you ready?”

I didn’t need to ask for clarification, and I was slightly afraid that if I spoke I would start to doubt myself again.  So instead I pressed myself back against his plating, wrapping my arms around his carapace as I nodded.  His rumbling grew louder as he shifted away, letting go of my face and reaching up towards the head of the bed.  Turning to follow his reach, I watch curiously as he pulled two of my pillows down towards us.  Twisting his fingers inside me again, I gasp as he pulls them upwards, his other hand joining at my hip to encourage me to rise.  Arching slightly, I follow his lead and feel the pillows brushing against my hip and backside.  Relief of the pressure guides me back down until I am resting on top of them, my hips held higher, but it made sense as he positions his own longer legs closer between mine.

Taking a hold of himself, I can feel the still surprising heat of his skin as he presses his self-lubricated member against my spread lips and my heart rate jumps up high again.  But before he starts pushing into me, his other hands reaches up to brace beside my head and his eyes meet mine.  They hold me steady, even as I fight to keep mine open, and his mandibles flutter wider this time as he pushes forward.  They dart down for a moment when I bite my lip, feeling his solid heat start to stretch me from the inside out, and he groans as he pushes a little deeper.

As I had feared, the shape felt odd inside me, even as he pushed against all the same nerves his fingers had, my muscles trying to compensate without squeezing so hard it was painful.  The bumps hidden under the skin, while they should have been pleasurable, where only adding to the pressure my muscles were fighting again.  But as I tried to keep the discomfort from my face, he moved himself down to press his mouth plates against my lips, pulling them from between my teeth.  I shifted my focus to returning the kiss, hoping it would help as he pushed in a little further.  The distraction worked long enough for him to seat fully inside me, and my concertation broke with another audible gasp against his plates.

Responding with a growl as the protective plates around his organ pressed against my external bundle of nerves, he drove his mouth back against mine with more vigor and rolled his hips.  The loud moan was swallowed in his dual tones and effectively did the job of loosening my tight ring of muscles around him, enough that he could start to withdraw.  His powerful legs allowed him to snap forward with such force that my head flung back and my hips almost slipped off the pillows as I screamed again.  Taking it for the positive gesture it was, he started a hard, steady rhythm in earnest, his free hand gripping my hip to keep me in place.

Somewhere the thought occurred to me that this should have inspired some kind of emotional reaction because of my past with the Batarians.  It had happened my first time with Kaidan, and taken some strategic planning to get past in future encounters.  Maybe it had more to do with the different biology, or maybe it was just the complete trust that I had in Garrus that kept them at bay.  The shear surprise of that brought the leg he was not gripping up to settle against his waist.  His rhythm stuttered for a moment as I squeezed against the tender flesh, and then renewed with even more vigor as we moaned together.

When his other hand moved up so that he could drop to his elbow, arm still long enough to hover over me, I found myself locked in his gaze again.  Maybe it was a Turian thing to maintain so much eye contact, but my mounting pressure inside was making it hard to keep up.  No longer feeling the painful pressure from his ovular shape, I found myself rushing head-long for a second orgasm, and I could almost decipher his tonal vibrations encouraging me.

When I felt myself spasm again, his own eyes finally closing as he grunted, dropping to the bend in my neck as he snapped forward even harder.  “Spirits, Charley!  It feels so good when you cum.”

I surged and gasped, unable to stop as my nails dug in at his waist when he said my name.  He let out a roar, mandibles fluttering and scraping against my neck as he started a sprint to the finish-line.  I could only cling to him as he did to me, feeling his different member flexing and pushing even deeper before it flared slightly and erupted.  That feeling was similar enough that my body responded, sending me crashing over a final crest before I collapsed back on the bed beneath him.

No one had ever used my given name during sex, not even Kaidan and I was surprised at how my body and mind reacted to it.  It rolled so naturally off his dual tones that I knew it was normal for him, and part of me was thankful that he didn’t ask first.  I might have said no, and I would have missed out on just how close I could feel to him as we still held tightly to each other.  Even if I was surprised at how short the encounter was from what my research prepared me for.

“Tell me you are ready to go again.”

My brow furrowed, sure I had somehow misheard him.  “W-what?”  I turned towards him as he propped back up higher on his elbow, a strong pleading in his eyes as his member twitched inside me again.  _Was he serious?_

“We can go several times in a row… to help ensure pregnancy in Palaven’s harsher radiation.  _Please_ tell me you aren’t too tired!”

Even if I had been, I would not have been able to deny the begging in his voice, so similar to what I had heard over the surveillance feed.  “No.  No, this is good.  A lot less weird than I was afraid it would be.”  He groaned and gave a shallow thrust into my again.  “A-actually…” I felt my face heating up as I forced out my confession.  “You could go a little harder… if you wanted.”

The response was instant, his talons pressing harder into my hip as he gave a full thrust.  With a cry I threw my head back, exposing my neck and feeling the sharp edge of his mouth plating scraping gently over the soft skin and strong muscles beneath.  His mandibles flung out wider as I whimper _his_ name, bringing his hips back into mine harder again.  While my leg stayed up on his hip, his other hand grabbed the inside of my opposite knee and forced it out, giving him a deeper angle to thrust inward.  One of my own hands left his waist and quickly moved up under his fringe again, getting another roar against my throat as I dug back in under the raised plating.

After that it became a blur of pleasure, bruises probably forming on both sides of my hips from his assault, but I didn’t care.  I was overcome by wave after wave of orgasms, not even sure how he could reach so many different sensitive areas at once.  Even his spongy tongue licking the sweat off my neck where his plates continued to brush over made me want to thrust back against him.

I clung tighter as he called my name again, reminding me suddenly of my research.  It had said that Turians were not always vocal, and not just in the bedroom, because their tones were often enough to communicate by.  But I was more than grateful for his articulated praise, telling me that I was making him feel just as good he was for me.  It wasn’t even embarrassing when he reached down to my hand at his waist and moved it lower, showing me where the sensitive spot was behind his knee spurs.  The plating lifted slightly, just as his fringe did, and he thrust harder still when I dug my nails into it until he roared again.  The strangeness of it didn’t repulse me as I’d feared, and I thought I finally understood what he’d said before.  His uniqueness was already taking a strong hold on me, and I found both my arms wrapping even tighter around him as we came together again.

And still he wasn’t done, still hard even as he slowed his thrusts and brought his face in front of my own.  “Would you be willing to get on your hands and knees?”  Any embarrassment or uncertainty that I remembered from our talks was gone, evaporated in the sultry, primal passion that hung so tightly around us.  My own embarrassment was chased away as I nodded and untangled from him.

Without asking, his hands were there to help me, moving the pillows and positioning me close to the edge of the bed.  Given his height, it made sense when he stood on the floor, placing his hand on my hip and the other spread my legs a little further again.  I dropped my shoulders down, opening up even further to him and a low growl sounded his appreciation for the view.  But I was thankful he didn’t stare long, both of us still too riled to hold back as he sheath inside me in one fluid motion.

The cry of raw pleasure was barely out of my throat before he was withdrawing and cascading back in again.  I knew my hips would be bruised this time, but I was already fast approaching another orgasm and couldn’t bother myself with caring.  Feeling his talons against my spine and sides was more than enough, pushing off the bed with my hands and throwing my head back up slightly as my insides contracted yet again.  His growl was strong and consistent, finger feeding through my hair as it rained down over my back and his hand, gripping slightly as he kept on thrusting.

I didn’t know if he’d ever run out of steam, but I knew I would sooner rather than later.  Not having any angle on his own sensitive areas from this position, I used my insides to help cox him along, squeezing as tightly as I could, even with both our copious amounts of fluid lubricating his passage.  It worked well enough, if his hand coming up to my shoulder and yanking me back against his thrust was anything to go by, drawing another breathless cry of passion from me.  But my arms were losing strength, not able to support my top half for more than a few strokes before I dropped again, sliding from his grip until his member was the only contact we still hand.

Yet that hit another set of nerves that blinded me with pleasure once again, my throat raw as I cried out into the ruined sheets.  I may have been pleading at that point, and he may have heard me.  His thrust grew harder and erratic, driving me down into the torn fluffy mess with every collision.  His roar seemed to grow in intensity, drowning out everything else in my immediate world as he surged again and started to fill me with even more of his fluids.

My muscles could only flutter against him, not able to grip any more, but he stayed flush against me, bending slightly over my back, brushing my hair aside and running his hands along my sides.  His tones were comforting and I heard soft words I couldn’t completely understand before he finally pulled free of me.  But he didn’t let me fall, instead wrapping his arm around my waist and up to my chest, bracing against it to lift me away from the bed.  Crawling up through the soft debris, he gently let me down to rest on top of the remaining pillows.

But as I fell to my side, I stretched an arm out to find him, making sure he wasn’t going anywhere.  I faint chuckle sounded before his hand wound in mine and I felt the bed dip beside me again.  The sensation brought my eyes open enough to find our hands as he reached for the other pillows for himself.  I studied the natural way he seemed to hold ours together; two of my fingers between his, the others wrapped around the outside and between his thumb.  It didn’t look comfortable, but looks were as deceiving as I was learning and left me with no desire to move.  If anything I gripped it tighter and moved myself against his hot hide and cooled plates when he finally laid back beside me.

I couldn’t deny how I felt, and how wrong I knew I’d been, but there was still something that I needed to know.  And now was the best time to ask.  “Was that as good for you as it was for me?”  I was thankful that I was too tired to stutter and show my embarrassment, but I could feel the fear and hope waring in my eyes as he met them.

He chuckled again, alleviating all of it.  Leaning forward, I felt his mouth plates brush against my forehead in a mimic of a kiss.  “It was.”  Short and simple, but still not _really_ answering my question.  _Was it_ enough _for you?_

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go any longer, you seemed like you were still ready to go again.”  Maybe he could hear all of my insecurities, his arms wrapping tighter around me before he rolled fully onto his back and brought me against his chest.

“For Turians it’s not about a big finale.  Sometimes we wear down, but if we don’t it doesn’t leave us unsatisfied.”  While it still wasn’t as direct an answer as I’d wanted, the smile still slowly crept across my face and I burrowed into his carapace as best I could.  Again he seemed to understand, tilting his head down to mine and speaking more softly.  “You are more than enough for me, Charley.”

I felt a fresh spike on heat and desire shoot up my spine and I dug my fingers between a few of his plates.  He groaned again and I could feel his plates start to loosen beneath my leg were it had come to rest across his groin.  “No one’s ever used my name before.”

“You told me it did things to you when I said it.  Among other things.”

“Oh really?”  I shifted my head to rest atop his shoulder so that I could look up at his face.  “And what might these _other things_ be?”

Rolling his own body back towards me, his leg came over and trapped mine against him, feeling slightly strange with his reversed knee.  But his hand sliding up the outside of my ribs kept my attention, his tone rumbling in his chest as it pressed against my own.  “After you’ve rested a bit I’d be more than happy to repeat them for you.”  The rumbled stopped suddenly, his whole body stilling and my eyes snapped up to find his, wide and worried.  “If… that’s what you want.”

My own fear vanished completely, reveling in his own insecurities and how they were just the same as mine.  Smiling warmly, I brought myself closer against him and pressed my lips to his mouth plates until they opened once against and his grip tightened around me.

“That’s exactly what I want.  I’m just thankful you’re willing to put up with my inept abilities.”

“Actually, I kind of liked being the more confident and experienced of us for once.”  I pushed against the side of his carapace, scolding him as we both laughed, but it faded quickly as he gripped my own shoulder, pulling me closer again.  “And I got to be your first all over again!”  I felt color fill my face for the hundredth time since he’d walking in the room and I ducked against his chest in embarrassment.  I could hear the rumble in his chest, but as I listened it changed slightly, feeling almost sad before he spoke again.  “I thought I’d lost you for a while, but you did come back.  Whatever it is you remember, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.  You told me you loved me on the Presidium and if this is any kind of proof of our chances, I’ll be waiting right here for you to feel that way again.”

My heart jumped and I clung to him again.  Our typical would have been to make a joke about needing him on the field or something, but even the barest hint of uncertainty in his voice was painful.  I had hurt him so many times in so many different ways by now, it was time to make it as right as I was able.  It was the last leap I would need to take, not having ever been able to say it to Kaidan, true or not, or anyone else in a long time.  But it had never felt so right as it did now, here in his arms.  “I do you know…” his form twisted slightly, trying to look down at me as I moved my head to his shoulder again, meeting his hopeful gaze.  “I do love you, Garrus.”

He only blinked for a moment, but a high pitched, happy sounding trill broke the silence and his arms tightened around me, crushing his plates to my lips as we clung to each other again.  The feeling of right was complete as I pulled away from him, meeting his eyes and I brought my hand to rest against his scarred mandible.  “I finally feel like we’re back where we belong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a lot harder for me to write, as Garrus is always my number one LI in the second two games. I hope it doesn’t show too badly and that you all like it despite that!
> 
> Thanks again for reading, commenting, and giving kudos to both of these stories, it’s really appreciated!


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